We're fighting, I begin to lose focus of our present situation and
very slowly I am swallowed up by my past encounters. I drift from his words,
and the tears falling from my eyes - salty moist droplets trickle onto my
freshly bitten nails, numbing my brain from the confusion. It's blurry but I
found myself lying on my bedroom floor, my breath held tightly inside my chest,
an effort to keep my cover. Hushed words are spit from the mouths of my father
in attempt to keep us girls asleep, but it’s my mother’s sharply pained tone
that widens my eyes, and holds me captive. Cigarette smoke rises slowly up
the vents from our kitchen into my room, stinging my nostrils and making
me nauseous. Desperately needing air, suddenly feeling
overwhelmed clearly suffocated by their hate, and realizing I have never
encountered two people who love each other to that degree.
I thrust my ear
deeper into the vent with a goal I must accomplish. I must establish which
one is at fault. Who should I point my finger at? Who deserves my cold shoulder
and who will I side with this go around? .........
…..."I am
just so tired of it all Kelsi..." Snapping back I realize my focus had
been derailed. The last half hour my thoughts have been lost in the past and
its time I must face the present, come up with a solution and fix what we have
before it’s lost. We play their game, and I am aware he is dying to know my
thoughts as I stare at him blankly. Dying to know the words I scribble on the
lines of this sheet of paper. Who is wrong? Who receives the blame
this fight and bows their head with acceptance, as the other continues the
verbal beating, both knowing it will resolve this tiring nightmare.
My emotions boil slowly;
I want to be friends as well as lovers. I can't bring myself to look at him. He
is breathing slower and very deep.
I ask myself what
the hell even happened. Sitting here we are torn apart, beaten raw and consciously
desiring each other’s embrace. I need him to apologize, want him to appreciate
my efforts without reminder, and yet that is all he is seeking out as well….
Easier said than
done.
Observed.
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